


The Beginning of the Road

by Karratran



Series: A Trail of Stars [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Acquaintances to Friends to Something Else, Anxiety Attacks, Gen, M/M, Open Ending, Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn, Sousuke battling with his inner demons, anxiety and depression, brief mentions of medication use, post Eternal Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 03:44:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10505712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karratran/pseuds/Karratran
Summary: Sousuke lost his way, lost his dreams, and lost his future... what does he have now?Nagisa just wants to help.In his own way.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hetahe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hetahe/gifts).



> I was honestly surprised af that you were my giftee!! <3
> 
> Okay sooo, the prompt was-
> 
>  
> 
> _"SouNagi on a roadtrip -post-series, Sousuke is trying to make sense of everything, ~find himself~, Nagisa helps him? Not necessarily this setting, this is just what i thought of. (also pre-relationship? as I'm a sucker for falling in love / pining / first anything tropes OTL)"_
> 
>  
> 
> -and I was like I FEEL YOU BRUH.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~(Lots of foods mentions bc I'm a nerd. Also please expect puns/jokes/references because I can't thrive in an overly serious setting and I can't physically hurt anyone so...)~~
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the delay, I haven't been in a good space of mind lately but I was really fired up about your thing, so let's get on with the thing XD

* * *

 

 

_All that starts well, ends well._

What a bullshit saying.

If anything, Sousuke would say that getting anywhere near a happy ending would be a goddamned miracle.

He is willing to admit that everything going to shit is his fault.

He was the one who got _obsessed_ with swimming with Rin in the future. He was the one who didn’t listen to his own body screaming for a break and made it actually _break_. He was the one who added fuel to the fire that was burning down Nanase’s psyche, technically made him break down, but also gave him the chance to have a future together with Rin; the exact opposite of what he originally intended.

He was the one who destroyed his own future.

And now, he has nothing left but to go back to his parents’ home with his tail between his legs and help with his father’s diner after graduation.

Which is exactly what Sousuke does.

His parents do take him back in with arms open and whispered reassurances that things will be okay in time.

_Time._

Well, Sousuke now has lots of it.

 

* * *

 

And time has gone by in the blink of an eye.

It’s April.

Sousuke drowns himself in work, there’s no way he’s going to pay attention to what the view looks like; and whenever he has to go out, he focuses on reaching his destination instead of looking up to the blooming cherry trees, or down to the fallen cherry blossom petals. They remind him of Rin and his obsession for the pink stuff.

He does not want to think of how his best friend is on the other hemisphere, following his dreams. He does not want to think of how he destroyed his own; or how he found a new dream, one he could not follow either.

Yet, he does. And it makes his nights cold and painful as his heart threatens to break his ribcage, as his lungs try to compensate the sensation of being short of breath by hyperventilating, as his insides tighten and try to push what little he dines on out from his mouth, as his sight blurs and tears overflow.

So he starts exhausting himself with activity during daylight and taking sleeping pills at nighttime. Being too tired and very knocked out means no time to overthink shit while awake and no stupid dreams to remind him of things that no longer are. That no longer can be.

It’s brutal, he knows it. But it’s the only way Sousuke can cope.

If his parents notice, they do not comment about it. They must’ve figured out that no amount of talking could help him, that his defeat was apparent. Or they probably figured that Sousuke needs to wallow in his own misery for a while. Or they simply don’t know how to help.

His mother does try to cheer him up from time to time, by preparing him his favorite foods, or asking him to help her with house chores, or telling him with great detail of her day. Tiny things to help him get things off his mind.

His father, in turn, sometimes leaves him to take over the business on his own when it’s not rush hour (during rush hour even his mother comes down to help if the amount of patrons is too much). A man of few words, like father like son.

Sousuke’s grateful of them.

But exhaustion sometimes catches up and there are times when he oversleeps into the afternoon and for the life of him he cannot get out of bed. And he feels useless, and everything he tries not to think of comes rushing into his mind. Like a rubber band stretched too far, or released and snapping back to place with a vengeance. Either way, it hurts. It hurts too fucking much.

Gou sometimes calls. It’s nice. But Sousuke can’t bear to talk to anyone, so most of her calls go ignored, and if he does pick up, he lets her talk by herself. Sousuke’s aware he’s being shitty, but it’s not like he can help it. He apologizes, but Gou tells him it’s okay, that she understands. That she knows how hard it can be, because she’s seen her brother struggle the same way.

The reminder stings every time. Sousuke knows Gou means well, but he hangs up on reflex, not being able to take it.

With his jaw clenched and eyes watering, Sousuke hopes he can get better one day, by either becoming numb or getting rid of all this pain.

He hopes to one day stop being so hopeless.

 

* * *

 

“Sousuke, can you tend to those kids?” his father asks him one late April afternoon as he enters the kitchen, the cue for Sousuke to man the diner on his own.

“Sure,” Sousuke mutters as he wipes his hands with a kitchen cloth and heads to the front.

Said ‘kids’ presence had been duly noted by Sousuke as they entered the establishment with loud laughter and endless chatter. It is almost sunset, so it’s about time students ended club activities, left their schools and went home.

What he does not expect is to find the Iwatobi Swim Club taking over the majority of the seats.

This Swim Club includes the new Captain, Ryuugazaki, the new Vice Captain, Hazuki, Manager for the third time, Gou, and at least twelve new members.

Going to Nationals last year sure gave them good results, it seems.

“Sousuke-kun!” Gou greets him with a bright smile. “Sorry to invade your family’s diner so suddenly.”

“No… it’s good for the business,” although it does make him feel slightly overwhelmed. “What brings you here?”

“Hi, Sou-chan!” Sousuke has already accepted that Hazuki won’t drop the -chan, so he just rolls with it. “Rei-chan, Gou-chan, and I decided to bring everyone here to celebrate starting club activities!”

Sousuke blinks. So that’s what this is about.

“Sorry for the trouble, Sousuke-san,” Ryuugazaki says as he approaches them. “Gou-san was the one who suggested we came here.”

“...Okay, then. Knock yourselves out, I guess.”

Gou scratches the side of her head with one finger, standing in a way that screams ‘embarrassed’ or ‘bashful’ or ‘I’m acting cute so that you can do me a favor’, and it gives Sousuke a bad feeling. “Do you think you could give us a little discount? We’re here on club funds...”

Yeah, he called it. The only real explanation as to why they decided to come _all the way here_. So Sousuke rolls his eyes as he sighs in exasperation and hangs his head. “Yeah, sure. Just because you’re paying for a lot, not because you happen to be acquaintances.”

“Aaaww, Sou-chan, that’s mean!” Hazuki pouts and rubs his head on Sousuke’s arm. The new club members snicker at the show.

Sousuke snorts. “I’m paying you back in kind.”

 

* * *

 

“Not that it’s wrong or anything because, hey, you’re paying... but why the hell do you keep coming back?”

Sousuke is genuinely intrigued. What could possibly make Hazuki come back every few days? The food they serve is not anything out of the ordinary, though the little menace does happen to be a glutton.

“Weh, yo shee-”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, dumbass.”

Hazuki pouts. He turns back to his food and finishes chewing whatever he had stuffed his face with (Sousuke knows it’s ramen, he made it and served it himself). After he finally swallows it and drinks some of his soda ( _ew, ramen and soda_ ), he resumes. “As I was trying to saaay...” Hazuki narrows his eyes, glaring at Sousuke jokingly, if his mischievous smile is anything to go by, “I like your food. You’re a good cook, Sou-chan!”

Sousuke raises an eyebrow. “Uh-huh.”

And then, Hazuki beams. “Plus! I really need to taste the whole menu! There’s a bunch of stuff I haven’t had yet.”

 

* * *

 

“For someone so young, you sure need to loosen up, Sou-chan,” Hazuki mumbles around the straw of his strawberry milk. He’s sitting on a stool by the counter, observing Sousuke while he sorts the day’s earnings.

It has become routine for Hazuki to come to the diner two or three times a week, after club activities and until closing time, and sometimes even after that (against Sousuke’s protests or attempts to kick him out), like today. He’s like a fly Sousuke can’t get rid of, so he just lets him be. Besides, it’s not like his presence would endanger business.

“For someone so old, you sure are too childish, Hazuki-”

“You can call me Nagisa, you know?” Hazuki swings his legs—his feet don’t reach the floor.

“Will you drop the ‘-chan’?”

“Nope!”

“Will you stop coming by?”

“Nooope!”

“Do you plan to pester me until I do?”

“Yuuup!” He tenses his legs, stopping their swinging at the highest point for a few seconds before he relaxes and lets them swing again.

Sousuke has the feeling that he will never be able to say no to Nagisa (he remembers that time the Iwatobi gang went to Samezuka’s festival and Nagisa bought those shark fin(?) buns to share them with him). The short pest is nothing if not stubborn, he’ll make Sousuke relent sooner or later.

 

* * *

 

“Aw, c’mon, Sou-chan! Draw something with the ketchup!”

“Hell no, get off of me.”

“Soooouuuu-chaaaaaaaaaannnnnhhhhh...”

“No, and I said stop clinging on my arm!”

“But you gotta draw something on it! It’s part of the omurice recipe!”

“That’s stupid.”

Nagisa gasps, “Or is it that you can’t draw?!”

“No, that’s not it. I’m just not gonna do it.”

“Yes?”

“No!”

“Sou-chan, please?”

“...No.”

“Yeeesssss?”

“ _No._ ”

“Soooouuuuu-chaaaaaaaaannnn, you gooooottaaaaaaaa.”

“Goddamnit, no!”

“Pleaseeee!!!”

“No.”

“I’m begging you! I’m gonna get on my knees.”

“... _You wouldn’t_.”

“Yes! Look, I’m doing it!”

“Goddamn- No, Hazuki, stop!”

“Pweatty pwease??”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...Yes?”

“... _Fine_.”

“Yay!”

Sousuke grabs the ketchup bottle and gets the dish back. He writes, instead of drawing, ‘Go away’.

“Aw, Sou-chan, meanie!”

Sousuke smirks. “That’s my middle name.”

 

* * *

 

It’s summer finally. Although schools are on break, and a lot of people are resting, they don’t crowd out on small businesses unless necessary. Meaning, the diner’s working hours are long, hot, and quiet. And that last part is Sousuke’s favorite part.

‘Quiet’ seems to have regained the sense of peace Sousuke enjoys about it. It no longer fills him with dread, no longer means too much space of mind. His mind is no longer filled with intrusive thoughts that get his heart rushing.

Or, at least, not during business hours.

Because, although it’s quiet, he’s busy, he’s using his mind; it’s not empty enough that unwanted thoughts filter through.

It’s nice.

 

“...-chan!”

 _Oh_ , he zoned out for a moment.

“Sooooouuu-chaaaaaannnn!”

“Ah, Hazuk-”

“Nagisa.”

“... _Nagisa,_ ” Sousuke says through gritted teeth.

And Ha- _Nagisa_ pumps a fist in the air, “Yiiiiisss!”

Sousuke narrows his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Did’ya miss me? I went on a small trip with my family!”

“Not really,” Sousuke deadpans. Hazu- _Nagisa_ had promised to come every day of the break, even if he wasn’t going to buy anything to eat (which sucked for business).

Nagisa pouts. “You always act the same, Sou-chan. I’m hurt!”

“If you weren’t always making a nuisance of yourself, _I might_ actually treat you nice.”

“Aaaaww, meanie!” he pouts harder.

“Already told you, that’s my middle name,” Sousuke responds in deadpan as he turns around to re-enter the kitchen. The diner is empty, so he can afford to be ‘rude’ to a customer. It’s been lazy enough that even his father has been leaving Sousuke alone (which means one less person to scold him for how he treats Nagisa).

“Yes, yes. I _know_ .” Sousuke can practically hear the eye roll Nagisa directs his way. “But! Don’t! _Goooo!_ You don’t even know what I’m going to say!”

“You want the usual?” Sousuke says while gathering the ingredients for omurice. He’s long since stopped being annoyed about it. Because, who the hell orders breakfast at almost night time, anyways? ...Nagisa. _Nagisa does_.

“...Well, yeah! But that’s not it!”

Sousuke pauses. “...Okay?” He considers his options. He’s used to Nagisa demanding food, and he gets especially annoying while hungry. So he decides that making him wait could be potentially detrimental. Sousuke sighs. “Come ‘ere,” he motions with his hand as well.

Nagisa’s eyes brighten and he rounds up the counter while laughing.

“Sooo....”

“Hm?” Sousuke concentrates mostly on the hot pan, getting burned would be begging to get mocked by Nagisa.

“You know that we go on a summer camp with the Club, right? Just like with Samezuka,” he says slowly.

“Yes. What of it?”

“Well… remember when we brought everyone as celebration for starting club activities?”

“So?”

“The past two years we didn’t have any trouble with it because Haru-chan was there,” Sousuke flinches slightly, but it goes unnoticed by Nagisa. “Now, Rei-chan doesn’t want to leave it to Gou-chan because she adds protein powder. Which is super tasty! I don’t know why Rei-chan is so against it! It even comes in strawberry fla-”

“ _Your point?_ ”

“ _My point is_ , do you wanna come with us as our unofficial cook?”

“Huh?”

“Yeah! Since you already cook for a living, might as well!”

“Yeah, no. I hope you’re not thinking of asking me to do it for free.”

“But we’re friends!”

Sousuke scoffs. “Nagisa, _no_. How long is it, even?”

And Nagisa looks to the side with a sheepish expression. “A week?”

 

* * *

 

It’s actually kind of fun, watching Ryuugazaki try to keep some semblance of control over the rest of the club members when _not even_ _their Vice Captain_ listens to him.

“Sousuke-san, please, help!” Ryuugazaki calls desperately while trying to keep Nagisa from jumping ship.

So he smirks. “Oh, I would, but, y’know. _My shoulder_.”

And it does its job.

“Oh gods. I can’t believe you’d use that,” Gou gasps behind her hands.

And Nagisa laughs so hard he can’t breathe. “Oh, Sou-chan, that’s so mean!”

That seems to distract Nagisa enough for Ryuugazaki to quite literally drop him on Sousuke’s lap. “Stay there, Nagisa-kun,” and he obeys, albeit redirecting his excess of energy on Sousuke.

“Who gave you an energy drink, moron?” Really, Sousuke should be uncomfortable. Having an energetic child sit on his lap, continuously talking to him, bouncing on him out of pure glee, sometimes even trying to tickle him… it should be uncomfortable. It should irk him. But somehow, he just sits back and _enjoys_ having Nagisa’s undivided attention. The ease that fills him brings a smile to his lips.

However, the thing that has Sousuke smiling the most is that he was able to joke about his shoulder without feeling empty. Without feeling like he’s sinking. He’s almost relieved enough to cry. _Almost_.

The rest of the ride continues in relative tranquility, with just a kid or two throwing up over the rail.

 

* * *

 

“Remind me again, how did you manage to persuade me into coming?” Sousuke asks as he rubs his face with one hand, while the other holds a filleting knife. The heat is way too debilitating.

“Because I’m cute and you can’t resist cute?” Nagisa bats his eyelashes innocently as Sousuke turns to look at him.

“...No, that’s not it.”

And somehow, Nagisa was able to catch it, the tiny moment of hesitation in Sousuke’s response, because he’s narrowing his eyes and a devious grin grows on his mouth. Kind of like the Cheshire Cat.

It seems safer for Sousuke to square his shoulders and look back to what he’s preparing for lunch, trying to give nothing away with his face.

 

* * *

 

It’s hot, _stifling, smoldering_. Sitting in the shade feels like he’s right at the center of hell. Even kakigori doesn’t help. And the heat makes him overly lethargic.

A wet Nagisa plops on top of Sousuke’s back—it’s almost refreshing—on one of the well deserved breaks from the intensive training.

“No matter how many times I tell you to not do that, you’ll just keep doing it, won’t you?”

“You know me so well, Sou-chan! Why do you keep asking if you know?”

“Confirmation.”

A comfortable silence settles around them and, although it’s too hot to be in physical contact with anyone, Nagisa does not remove himself from his back nor Sousuke tries to shake him off.

Maybe it’s strange, how much Sousuke has come to feel _used to_ Nagisa’s company, to his touchy-feely-ness, to his loud and hyper nature. Surreal, almost, how Nagisa came to fit in his life so effortlessly that it has to be a gift.

On the plus side, at least Sousuke doesn’t feel as lonely and depressed as he used to. And the last anxiety attack he had was two months ago, plus five weeks of no sleeping pills.

 

* * *

 

It’s the night before prefecturals. Nagisa shows up at the diner and talks directly to Sousuke’s father, not even greeting and asking him to give Sousuke the night off.

“Hide-chan!-” that’s Sousuke’s father, Hideaki. “-Our coach is treating us to nabe before going to Prefecturals, and since Sou-chan has been helping us a lot this year, we all agreed to invite him.”

“Heh.” A smirk lights Sousuke’s father face.

Oh, no. A sense of dread fills Sousuke’s lungs, so he tries to dissuade his father from making foolish decisions. “Oi, dad, you don’t have to, _work is work_. And there are a lot of customers tonight.”

“I’ll survive, and your mother can come help me. It’s not everyday that a _friend of yours_ comes to ask you out.”

 _Ask-_ Sousuke squares his shoulders, “Dad-”

“Go on, call your mother, and get ready. Meanwhile, Hazuki will give me details.”

“ _Dad_.”

However, his father shoo-es Sousuke away with his hands.

So Sousuke clicks his tongue and does as he’s been told, defeatedly thinking that in the end everyone succumbs to Nagisa’s whims.

“Hide-chan, you’re the best!” He hears Nagisa sing-song-ing to his father.

 

They walk towards Sasabe’s house in silence, for the most part. Sometimes Nagisa talks about things that happened during club activities, or during classes. Sousuke limits himself to sigh or snort in response, depending on the kind of thing Nagisa mentions.

It’s comfortable, in ways Sousuke has forgotten he could feel.

A question has been tingling Sousuke’s mind for a while, though. “Isn’t it too hot for nabe?”

“Food is food, you gotta appreciate it,” is Nagisa’s flippant response.

“I’d appreciate soumen better.”

“Aaawww… But nabe is good before tournaments!”

“I’m not competing in anything, though. The calories are wasted on me.”

“Well… You’re gonna sweat it off anyway.”

“...Better yet: I’m not going to eat it.”

“AW, C’MON, SOU-CHAN, NO NEED TO BE BASHFUL.”

“I’m not.”

“...Haru-chan ate it the last two years.”

The mention of Nanase’s name makes Sousuke flinch. “...What makes you think I’ll want to eat it after you mention that?”

“Competitivity?”

“...Why would I want to compete against him? He’s out there following his dreams. I’m stuck here doing nothing.”

Nagisa stops walking. It takes Sousuke a couple of seconds to notice, and when he does, he turns back to where Nagisa stands, head lowered and fists clenched.

“...You really are serious about this,” is what Nagisa reluctantly mumbles.

A trembling sigh leaves Sousuke as a heavy weight settles in his stomach. “Yes. I can’t exactly go back to swimming competitively, you know? Even if I finish rehab, last year I destroyed my shoulder beyond future sports-usefulness. It was game over for me.”

“So you’ll just let yourself _rot_?”

“ _Rot_?”

“You’re letting yourself stagnate here! Don’t you feel like there’s more to your life than just settling for _whatever_? There are so many things you could do, Sou-chan! Swimming is not everything!”

“IT WAS FOR ME! IT WAS MY ENTIRE FUTURE.”

Although it’s the first time Sousuke ever yells at him, Nagisa does not flinch nor backs down. Instead, his watering eyes fill with determination.

“So what?! Now that you’re broken, why don’t you empty yourself of all those old things and then fill yourself with something different?! Now’s your chance to make something new and better from your old self!”

“Oh, yes sure. Now tell me how the fuck am I supposed to do that?! I can’t even muster the strength to even _think_ of it!”

“Do it anyway!”

“Easier said than done!”

“That’s because you’re going at it the wrong way!” Nagisa’s voice breaks slightly. It takes Sousuke aback.

“...Excuse me?”

“You’re so caught up on all your misgivings and failures and all the things you don’t have anymore that you’re completely blinded from the things you did right and the things you have now. Trust me, I know how that is.”

“Oh, yeah? Please tell me, what _do_ I have? What else, besides a useless shoulder, crippling anxiety and chronic depression!?”

“You are perseverant. You have so much knowledge stored in your head that you could use for coaching, or even for teaching. You gave Rei-chan pointers for the summer camp. Ai-chan told me that last year you coached him and he got so much better that he even got the spot in the medley relay. You have patience. You are an amazing cook! You made our camp’s food and it was the best food anyone had tasted in forever! We all loved your cooking!” Nagisa takes a break to breathe, or to gather his thoughts, or to swallow saliva and soothe his throat. “I don’t know! You have so many options!”

Sousuke feels like he has just been slapped, like he’s been dropped in the freezing water of a stormy ocean, like he was lifted on a rocket and left to drift in space. But he also feels… warm? _Warm_ , like he hasn’t in months. Centered. Anchored to where he stands, anchored by Nagisa’s hands holding his.

Anchored by Nagisa’s watery, steady gaze.

He feels small, humbled, a grain of sand, a speck of dust, a tiny star among the endless sky.

More than anything, Sousuke wants to believe Nagisa’s words, wants to believe it for himself. But he cannot forget that nagging thought that tells him _what if it’s not enough, what if it’s not worth it, what if he fails no matter what?_ A multitude of ‘ _what if_ ’s flood his consciousness. Relentless and ruthless, the thoughts swarm him.

It hurts. It burns and sings him, it drowns him, it debilitates him, it crushes him. He can’t breathe, he can’t hear, he can’t feel, he’s weightless.

Suddenly, a throaty whine breaks the silence, and Sousuke realizes that he’s no longer standing, that his muscles hurt, his heart is racing almost painfully, his lungs are working overtime, and his eyes burn while a large amount of tears roll down his cheeks.

He notices that Nagisa is holding him gingerly, as if uncertain, but solidly. Steady. Strong.

One gentle hand is tracing slow circles on his back, and another is softly massaging his scalp. Although he’s supporting most of his weight on Nagisa, the way Sousuke fits in his embrace is incredibly comfortable.

A wet sigh racks Sousuke’s chest, and he realizes that the whine that brought him back was _his_ , that he just had an anxiety attack. And it happened in front of Nagisa.

“Sorry.” His throat feels raw, so he tries to swallow. Still, the “Sorry you had to see that,” comes out weakly.

Nagisa tenses and his hands still. “‘ _Sorry’_ ? Sou-chan, ‘ _sorry_ ’? No!”

Sousuke doesn’t have the energy to peel himself away from Nagisa, so he just scrunches his eyes when he yells.

After the lack of any kind of response, Nagisa sighs and resumes his soothing gestures. “Maybe it’s better if we don’t go to Goro-chan’s tonight, okay?”

 _It’s not okay_ , Sousuke doesn’t want to keep Nagisa from his friends, from the things that he enjoys. But he’s too tired and he doesn’t want to be alone. He croaks a tiny “Okay”.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke feels the same kind of tired as the first time he had an anxiety attack. He thought he was better, he truly did.

Last night’s events have proven him wrong, though.

And now, he doesn’t have the energy to turn to his side, let alone get out of bed.

He almost wishes for Nagisa to come barging into his room and _make him_ get up. But he immediately realizes that he is being stupid. He’s come to rely on Nagisa’s oozing bright energy to make him forget about his own misery, it’s not his own effort anymore.

With how fucked up Sousuke is, he kinda hopes Nagisa would realize how futile it is to hang out with him.

Tears flow unbidden, although he doesn’t have the energy to cry, he can’t stop them either.

 

* * *

 

“Sousuke,” His mother calls later that night, after Sousuke finally managed to get up to grab a snack. She’s clearing up the table from dinner, but she sits when she sees him come in.

“Yeah, what,” Sousuke mutters.

“Son, do you honestly want to stay here?”

That takes Sousuke aback. “What?”

His mother sighs. “Are you really planning on staying here for the rest of your life?”

Jaw clenched, Sousuke says slowly, “That’s the plan.”

“Even after Hazuki-kun graduates?”

“...What does Nagisa have to do with anything?”

At this, Sousuke’s mother shifts in her seat and leans forward, to convey her words to Sousuke more solemnly.

“He’s the only one who’s kept contact with you. You could say he’s the only friend you have left and his graduation is right around the corner, six months _are nothing_. Are you honestly telling me you’re going to be okay with being left behind?”

“I can’t depend on others, mom.”

His mother’s smile is forced. “You see, that right there is what’s going to hurt you the most.”

Sousuke blinks.

She stands and walks slowly towards Sousuke. “You don’t have to do things alone, you know. It’s okay to need help. It won’t make you less of who you are. You’re just like your father, in that aspect. It took me a while to get him to open up for me.”

And Sousuke falters.

“Isolating yourself gave you space, yes. It was necessary for you to gather yourself up again.” She cups his face between her hands and smiles sweetly, “But you only started smiling again when Hazuki-kun started hanging out with you and making you meet up with his friends. Being social might take from your energy, but having someone to lean on, to help you recharge, that’s what’s going to make you feel better.”

His lungs freeze for a moment, and he _knows,_ his mother is right. Hearing it from her is enlightening. It feels like a baseball hit him in the chest.

But he looks down. “He hasn’t come back, though. Y’know, since last night. He always comes every day. What if I scared him off?”

His mother chuckles. “No way. True friends don’t run away like that.” Sousuke’s heart throbs at _true friends_. “He’s probably giving you space. Or he has something important to do.”

 _Yeah. That makes sense_. So Sousuke nods.

It’s in that moment that his memory kicks him in the ass with a vengeance:

_SHIT._

_PREFECTURALS!_

 

* * *

 

Sousuke hopes he’s not late (he _is_ a day late, though; he missed all the individual events, but _it’s Iwatobi_ , they don’t give up the chance of relays), boarding a bus at 7 AM is not, by any means, a comfortable experience. He’s cold, he’s tired, he’s still weighed down by his own feelings. But he’s also very determined to give back a bit of what he’s been given.

He’ll deny it, of course. But showing up at the prefecturals seemed like the sensitive thing to do. A means to show some gratitude for Nagisa’s friendship: to cheer on him.

It’s the least he can do.

 

Sousuke can’t exactly go looking for him in the changing rooms or at the warm up area, he’s not a swimmer and he’s not in high school anymore. His only course of action is going to the stands with the rest of the public and wait until Iwatobi turns up.

He sees the Iwatobi colors on the stands on the other side of the pool, sees the whole Swim Club in blue and yellow, sees various other kids with the polo shirts of the summer uniform and three colors of ties and bows. They sure have a large group cheering on them this year.

It’s kind of nostalgic.

Gou notices him, and waves excitedly.

Sousuke raises his hand in acknowledgement.

He notices neither Nagisa nor Ryuugazaki are among the group. Which means either they’re getting ready for competition, or they are already coming back. Or they have some Captain/Vice Captain meeting, but that would mean Gou would also be with them, so that’s not it. It could be many other things.

Anxiety starts to swirl inside his gut; it makes him want to go to the other side and sit with Gou, he doesn’t want to be by himself. But he also wants to ask her directly about it, he doesn’t want his thoughts to fester. Not here, not while he wants to be functional.

“Yamazaki-senpai!”

The voice breaks into the noise inside his mind like a sledgehammer, quieting it down. Sousuke feels like he can breathe again.

“Yo, Nitori.”

Becoming Captain at Samezuka seems to have done wonders for his kouhai, he exudes an aura of confidence that makes him seem reliable. Of course he is, though, it’s the reason why Rin chose him. There’s no way Sousuke would ever doubt Rin’s choices. Not anymore, anyway.

“What a surprise to see you here, Yamazaki-senpai! Want to join us?”

Sousuke hesitates for a second, he’s not sure if he has the emotional energy to face the rest of the Samezuka swim team, but it’s better than being alone. Plus, he can act as a Rin emissary. So he nods.

What he does not expect is the older Mikoshiba to be there as well and slap him hard on the back.

And, fuck, that hurts.

“Yamazaki-kun! Fancy seeing you here.”

He knows that whatever he replies, he’ll likely get another slap on the back, so he goes for a half truth. “Came to see some friends swim.”

“Glad to hear that!” And yes, the slap happens.

“Nii-chan, stop hitting Yamazaki-senpai!” Momo chimes in as soon as he notices what’s going on. He, then, chooses to flop on top of Sousuke while laughing. “It’s been so long!!”

Of course, Sousuke doesn’t reciprocate physically. But he does smile and huff. “It hasn’t been even six months, don’t be so dramatic.”

Nitori, who’s kept quiet so far, has a forced smile on his face that does not hide the fact that 1) he feels empathy for the situation Sousuke is in (after all, there are two Mikoshibas, _who wouldn’t want to run_?), and 2) he would not trade places and doesn’t feel sorry about it. This development amuses Sousuke.

“You’ll be swimming in a relay, Nitori?” He asks, partially because he’s genuinely curious about it, but also as a way to subtly extract information about the Iwatobi team. Sousuke does feel kind of guilty, he should’ve known that Samezuka would be here too, he should’ve known that his old team would be here, he should’ve had in mind that he should also cheer for them.

“Of course I will! My team’s semi-final will be little before noon, though.” Nitori’s eyes gleam with confidence, and Sousuke can’t help but smile in response.

“What about Iwatobi, will you be swimming against them?”

“Yes! If they make it past their semi, that is!” Momo babbles excitedly. “After all, neither Nanase-san or Tachibana-san are there with them anymore!”

Sousuke wants to strangle him for underestimating the competition. Instead he breathes deep and tries for teasing nonchalance. “Oh, but you don’t have Rin or me either, and you haven’t swum your race...”

And it works, Momo deflates for a second. “But as long as our hearts are in the right place, we can make it! And we’ve been working real hard to surpass your times, Yamazaki-senpai!” There’s a glint of mischievousness in his eyes.

Good, that’s nice. Sousuke huffs with a smile. “Then keep it up.”

Momo and Nitori both grin with determination, and that’s enough for Sousuke. They’ve left a good legacy.

Not exactly the answer to all his questions, but at least he’s not by his lonesome, for the time being, so he can cope.

Sousuke should probably pay attention to the rest of the Iwatobi gang, he’s spent enough time with them to be able to at least recognize some members, especially the relay members (he even remembers their nicknames, thanks to Nagisa). But, somehow… it feels like too much effort. He’s still very emotionally tired, and remembering faces feels like a drag. So he takes a deep breath and lets his head fall back.

The skies are clear and bright, and although it’s still early, warmth reaches Sousuke easily and seeps through his bones.

It definitely feels like summer.

 

It turns out that the Iwatobi relay team _was_ getting ready for their race, and Sousuke only waited a little (about two or three races). The team came out into the pool area and grouped at the starting block number 5.

He let out a relieved breath; the last thing he wanted was to miss it, and he had been very close to it.Thankfully they would have another race in the afternoon if- _when_ they were done with this one. (There was no way in hell Sousuke would doubt their ability to make it through to the finals, he’d been getting reports of their developments through Nagisa’s never-ending chatter at the diner.

Plus, they were assigned to the block No.5, as did the teams with the second best times of the roster.)

Their backstroker (“Nobu-chan! He’s really close to reaching Mako-chan’s times and he’s just a first year!”) does indeed live up to what Nagisa says about him, Shimazaki does have a lot of promising potential. (The fact that Sousuke remembered his name without effort kind of annoys him.)

Shimazaki does the turn, soon it’s going to be Nagisa’s turn, and Sousuke wants to scream at the top of his lungs, to cheer him on with everything he has because that’s what Nagisa deserves, _everything_.

So he does it, not caring what the Samezuka bunch may think of him. Sousuke calls Nagisa’s name as loud as he can, loud enough that Nagisa hears him above the cries of the crowd and searches for him (it kind of makes Sousuke feel bad for not going to the Iwatobi side and cheer with them when Nagisa turns to look at that side first, but at the same time he also feels guilty that he hasn’t kept in touch with his kouhai from Samezuka, they deserve so much more). Then, Nagisa turns to look at the stands where he currently is at and their eyes meet. Sousuke feels himself unwind, shoulders no longer tense. The obvious mirth that fills Nagisa’s eyes is enough to put Sousuke at ease and respond in kind.

With a wide smile of his own.

Nagisa beams, and turns his attention back to the task at hand, prepares himself to take the jump and fulfill his leg of the race.

It’s the first time that Sousuke watches a race from the stands as a mere spectator, not as a swimmer or a participant. Yes, it does sting, but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world, Sousuke doesn’t feel himself at the verge of another anxiety attack nor down enough to drown in depression. Just. Happy. Happy to be there for Nagisa.

The rush of competitivity does threaten to make him want to jump into the pool and show all the newbies what it is to swim and not just splash their limbs in the water. But he uses that rush to cheer, instead.

He also cheers on Ryuugazaki and tries to give it the same amount of energy, but even himself can tell he sounds halfhearted.

He can also tell that everyone who knows him from Samezuka is looking at him with surprise and curiosity. He’ll answer if asked, of course, but he can’t tell for certain whether or not he’ll say the whole truth. Or that he won’t glare and intimidate whoever approaches him.

Not exactly sad, but true.

By the time the freestyler jumps into the water, the Iwatobi team is on the lead by a couple of seconds. Trusting Nagisa’s assessment of him (“Tatsu-chan is not as good or graceful as Haru-chan, but he compensates with raw strength. He’ll make a good anchor.”), Sousuke can tell it’s a gamble, strength is _good_ , but without the right technique, it could make everything go to waste. And yeah, maybe Nagisa was right when he told Sousuke that he would be a good coach, because he kind of wants to go and physically drag the kid out of the pool and show him the right form.

Maybe he’ll ask Nagisa about it later… if he’ll have him.

They almost lose the lead by just a few milliseconds, but they still qualify for the finals. It is a good time overall, and it’ll be hard for other teams to surpass it, so Sousuke trusts that they’ll make it to Regionals.

It’s definitely not blind faith.

Met with no resistance whatsoever when Sousuke excuses himself to go find Nagisa (not that he even mentioned where he was going or who he wanted to meet with), Sousuke narrows his eyes at the knowing looks and coy grins thrown at his direction from his former team members. With an exasperated sigh, he makes his way to the stands on the other side, in the hopes of crossing paths with Nagisa before reaching the group on the stands.

Sousuke waits near the stairs to the stands, waits for Nagisa and the others to show up. When they do show up, the first years greet Sousuke with happy and grateful smiles and then get ushered up by Ryuugazaki, who throws him a knowing smile. And Sousuke might be feeling a bit fed up with that expression, but he can’t bring himself to look at him anymore, instead focusing his attention on Nagisa, who approached him last.

When the hallway finally clears out and it’s just the two of them, Nagisa hugs Sousuke’s middle and presses his face on the center of his chest. After Sousuke’s brain catches up, he responds to the gesture, wrapping his arms around Nagisa’s shoulders and pulling him in tight.

It feels like words might ruin the moment, but this is something Sousuke needs to get out or it’ll consume him.

“Thank you, Nagisa.”

To which Nagisa tenses and pushes his face off Sousuke’s chest to look at him. “Why?”

Sousuke chews his lower lip for a moment, considering how to word it. “You saved me.”

He can feel Nagisa’s hands grip tighter the back of his shirt, where they’re balled up in fists. It’s enough incentive to keep talking.

“You still are, actually. I don’t know how you did it, but you’ve become so important to me and having you by my side helps me want to get better, _be_ better.”

Nagisa holds his breath for a moment before letting it out slowly through his parted lips. Then he presses his forehead on Sousuke’s chest.

Silence doesn’t feel constraining, or loaded, but it feels kind of thin. It makes Sousuke want to breathe faster, but he forces his lungs take measured breaths. He’s scared, but he doesn’t want to be unbalanced, doesn’t want to break down now, not _now_ , not when it’s important that he stands on both his feet.

“Why are you telling me this?” Nagisa’s mutter almost doesn’t make it to Sousuke’s ears, but somehow it’s there, and his brain is raking itself trying to make sense of the words.

“I…”

Nagisa tenses, as if expectant.

So Sousuke sighs slowly and makes his brain work on overdrive to get the words out and in the right order.

“...Do you think I should go to coaching school... somewhere in Tokyo?”

A beat.

“Eh?”

 _Fuck_. Sousuke squares his shoulders and scrunches his eyebrows, resisting the need to scratch the back of his head. “I just, kinda. Huh.”

“Sou-chan?”

 _Oh, shit, abort, abort_ . Sousuke gives in to the need, and reaches the back of his head with his left hand, but instead of scratching, he devolves it to massaging. His scrunched eyebrows and avoidant eyes are definitely not helping his case. Nagisa is going to… _what the hell is he gonna do?!_

And yes, Sousuke is definitely surprised when Nagisa hugs him again, though harder.

It feels centering.

So he smiles and returns the embrace.

 

* * *

 

“Aw, c’mon, you can’t be serious, Yamazaki-san.” Suzuki dares roll his eyes and not look at Sousuke while dissing his advice. “I’m strong! I can pull thi- EEK!”

Yes, look at me and be intimidated, you little shit. Never in your life forget that I am way taller and generally bigger than you and could probably get my ass handed by Nagisa, but no one has to know that last bit.

“I’m telling you because I was aiming for the Olympics, _I know stuff_.”

“O-okay, I-I’ll lis-sten. J-just, stop glaring?”

It’s amusing, watching a high school first year nearly piss his pants when Sousuke turns up his intimitation to the top. Never let Rin listen to that or he’ll never hear the end of it.

Sousuke’s face doesn’t change, he rather enjoys watching Suzuki try to physically shrink. But all good things must come to an end.

“Sou-chan, stop intimidating my underclassmen. They’re _sensitive_ .” The lilt Nagisa gives that last word feels like a resounding _slap_ on the back for the majority of the Iwatobi swim club; everyone flinches at the same time.

A cackle threatens to rip from his chest, so Sousuke coughs to mask it as best as he can, but the shaking of his shoulders is enough giveaway.

 

* * *

 

“So, Tokyo, huh?”

It’s not that Sousuke can’t answer, it’s just that he’s a bit _shy_ about it (though he’ll never admit it). He doesn’t want to talk much about it in case he jinxes himself, but at the same time he thinks superstitions are stupid and talking more about his plans makes them more _real_. So he nods, lips slightly pursed and fingers trembling as he swallows his ice cream bite.

“Any plans so far?” Nagisa’s gentle prodding seems so out of character that Sousuke has to look at him and see for himself the warmth in Nagisa’s expression.

Too late he realizes he’s staring, so he turns his face away. “Well, I’ve been contacting a few universities that have the most appealing programs and so far four are offering taking me in, even gave me entrance examination schedules. Now it’s mostly up to where I can find a good apartment lease that is close enough to one of them. I know I can be job-less up to two semesters with what I have in savings plus whatever else I can get until I move to Tokyo, but I think it’d be better if I just rested from working the first semester, just to settle down.”

“As expected of Sou-chan, so prepared!” Nagisa claps softly, and returns to his parfait.

Sousuke finds he can’t lie. “Yeah, well. I’m really looking forward to this.”

And Nagisa looks at him with a soft glint in his eyes. So soft Sousuke feels like he’s putting his hand on his cheek. “I’m glad.”

A few moments of amicable quiet follow, and Sousuke is relieved that they’ve reached this point in their relationship, the point in which they can be themselves in silence, without the need to fill it with chatter and just bask in each other’s presence.

“You don’t fuss over calories anymore, Sou-chan,” Nagisa points out, out of the blue.

Sousuke realizes Nagisa’s right, he’s even started to gain a little weight, and he hasn’t been doing as much exercise as at the beginning (primarily because he doesn’t need to knock himself out to be able to sleep)—he just stopped caring too much about appearances.

He also realizes Nagisa had been staring at him for some minutes, but it doesn’t make him feel self-conscious.

Rather, he’s kind of… _happy_.

And smug. Definitely smug.

So he puts his chin on his hand and his elbow on the table and smirks, “You like it?”

The light blush that takes over Nagisa’s cheeks takes Sousuke off guard.

So does the stammering.

And then, it hits Sousuke with the weight of a wrecking ball.

 _It was never the end_ , Sousuke thinks, _back then_.

_It is only the beginning._

**Author's Note:**

> hmu @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/karratran) and/or [tumblr](https://karratran.tumblr.com)!
> 
> (I'll be translating some of my stuff to Spanish per request, so if anyone wants Spanish translations... request it! lol  
>  ~~....if there's anyone who wants to translate to other languages, you can ask me directly about it and if you get the go ahead, link me!~~ )


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